Running.

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Scarlett


My Profile | Map My Run | Runners World AU | Bajetto Design

I went on the scales today so I know what weight I'm at.

When I was at the docs I was at 150kg- which is what the scales reached. I'm now 149.7kg- which is good enough for me. I recall a few weeks ago I was 149, and then I dropped to 148kg and I was really happy so I haven't fluctuated a dramatic amount.

So now I know where I'm starting at. Doing a pretty good job of it too.

Plans
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Now that I have withdrawn from my Certificate IV in Fitness (and going to restart it at the beginning of next year) I'm doing things differently.

If you do things the same way you'll always get the same feedback.

So in order to get different feedback I'm not searching for the source of why I feel so out of control with my eating.

I'm going in a complete opposite direction. Possibly hazardous, and I know the dangers (especially because of what my study has taught me). I've decided to diet. A lot. I've created a new blog because of this, and the blog is there more so for the information of others so they can see the results.

It can be found here: Dietdietdiet@wordpress. I'd really like any support you guys can give. I know keeping track of two different blogs is hard, so I'd say at this moment probably best to follow that one.


Body
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Best to follow that one because I'm not sure I'll be updating this one a lot for a while. Don't get me wrong- I'll be here for a long time. Just at the moment things feel really tricky and I have difficulty updating this when I'm not exercising.

I feel extremely sluggish, lazy, and find it challenging to get moving. And not even emotionally or mentally, simply just walking up the road is something I really don't want to do.

However I now have a life coach and I'm making great improvements in my thinking and I know things are changing for me. My homework currently is to make a reward for me to work towards so that I'll do things and follow through.

I got the newest Runner's World mag. I miss running. I miss squash.


Cramps combined with a descending cold is NOT nice.

Last entry I wasn't having a good time. It was brief.

I'm going to be honest in this entry, and it scares me to be so honest out in the open like this but if I can be honest anywhere it will be here.


Defeat.
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Today I withdrew from my studies in Certificate 4 of Fitness. Not completely, I am continuing my business studies so that I get that out of the way. Carolyn, the head of the Fitness department, is so lovely she did her best to see if I could defer but that's not the case.

But because I'll do the business part when I return next year I won't need to do that. It will just be the fitness information.




I have had a hard couple of weeks. And it's taken a lot to listen to my awesome, supportive boyfriend and actually register it that I have a problem instead of passing it off as just being weak.

I am extremely disappointed in myself currently, and really angry but I could not make myself go to school. I have a serious speed hump that I'm facing, an astoundingly high wall that I couldn't find a way to climb.

It's not something I find easy to explain. It is a physical sensation where I don't feel like I can get past this invisible wall- literally. I awake in the morning to the school day feeling a great weight on my chest and my bones weighing three times as much. My thoughts spiral into panic and anxiety.

More often than not I end up in tears. I cannot contain what's going on inside and all I ever feel like doing is crying.

My mother's advice, I can hear in my head:
"Stop over-analysing everything. You always over-analyse. Just go and if you don't feel like being there then leave at lunch or morning break."

I analyse everything because I feel I need to find the source of my problem. Otherwise it will keep repeating itself over and over and over and over.

And I have to stop passing it off as just an emotion that I should be over. That anyone else would be able to move on from.

No, I can't make it. I have a problem.

I've tried my best and I think I have to give this round up. And try again next year.

A couple of low points for today:

Being told I won't fit in my flatmates car (bluntly).

And seeing my emerging double chin in the mirror.

Loved squash yesterday but my knees did not want to straighten afterward. My body felt so stiff.

Thankfully today my knees are better but seriously achy joints and swollen muscles. I'm taking care of myself but you gotta remember to follow through on the care, not just the exercise.


Considered walking this morning but my body needs the 24 hours.


Going to work on my business plan all day today- now that I have my logo down I'm finally able to make progress.


The Mike just came out to tell me his progress- he had aimed to lose 1kg this week and he did it! I'm so proud of him, so so proud. Seeing progress before my eyes... I am so impressed.

Then I decided to kick myself in the ass and go and weigh myself. Scales all tell a different story, my mum's scales say I'm different to Mike's but I last weighed myself on Mike's.


I have also lost 1kg! Well... not lost it, since I don't want it back. What's a good way of putting it? In order to work towards and achieve my goals I prefer to put my statements in a positive way. In a shopping list you only put things positively because the brain will hear whatever you put out there.

As using the word "lost" your whole life implies something needs to be found again.

Possibly I could look at it as a gain. I'm 1% closer to achieving my goal. How many kilos am I looking to be? 76kg is my goal. So that's another 70kg to let go of. I am going to let go of a whole person!

Ha ha... but seriously a 1kg release this week I'm amazed and I'm excited and I might even write my goals today because I can't believe I made progress and it was that easy...

It helps to be in a house that has little to no sugary things, and a partner who loves playing squash like me (and a car to get there/and money to play). I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for everything.

Squash: 60 minutes with Kurt and Mike
Me total: 50 mins approx.

941 cals, woohoo!


Unfortunately Mike was feeling unwell but that meant I was on the court for more time so I had a blast. Well, not a blast. It was a little different playing against Kurt cos he has a fast swing and I got so frustrated because I kept hitting the ball on the edge of my racket or some other odd place. Really annoying.

Just came across a thread on the CR forums that touched a tender spot with me about Taxpayers paying for Lapband Surgery.

It wasn't the topic that hit home for me but people's responses. I am aware (as I said to Mike) that people say stuff on the internet that they won't say to the faces of those in their life. I really get that and so the internet is the gateway to real free speech. However giving advice that people should get over it, suck it up, stop eating the cheeseburgers and start climbing the stairs makes no freaking difference. If it was that easy why haven't 50% of the population done it? If it was that easy why is it that the percentage of people being overweight has increased?

Generally just disappointed in people's cold responses, like my own challenges and current feelings of inability to overcome what I'm going through aren't valid. That really pisses me off.

Why do I still feel ill?

Seriously, this feeling of ill is off and on for the last two weeks. Nothing dramatic, but certainly to the point where I notice it.

Yesterday I bruised my ass horribly. However I can still walk and sit and all that ok.

But I have cracking on the bottom of my feet which is worse and I used to get quite badly in winter but the last year was fine. But now it's back, and the skin peels back and it is so painful.

Most of the time it shouldn't peel back but if you don't deal with it the skin hooks on things like carpet and your socks and tugs back. So hurty.

But I played squash and loved it and lost 6-11 to the Mike. But that's our second points game and I really enjoyed it. But there was something inside me that just wanted to rip into it and was really impatient to keep playing, poor Mike. He was cracking jokes and I usually laugh but I was like "come on! Lets play!" I'm at the end of my tether with my monthly reoccurred so I'll be over it soon enough but I do feel bad for the people around me when I'm in this mood.

But how I do love squash. Except for those f**king easy shots sailing toward me and I pull back my racket and I swing it with all my strength and you hear that heart crushing whoooosh as your racket whispers through the air and doesn't make contact. That is a bitch of a miss.

But I am getting better.

But

But

Exercise:

Walk with the dog. 2.18k.

Cramps are back today but I went for a walk with the pooch for a bout 30-45 minutes.

Today is day 3. Tomorrow at school I'm going to work out. Three days is the max for me to have a rest or I fall out of that mental pattern.


I love squash. Wondering if I can find a squash partner at Tafe, or maybe someone near where I live.

I have considered getting up at 6am every day to do something active. It's a time when it's before anything else starts, including school, and when/if I get a job somewhere else then I'll still be in that schedule.

I really love running in the morning actually. I require some more running clothes for the early cold mornings but I really do love running and watching the sun come up.

What to say today?

I feel put off going to squash because of what I ate this morning. Completely my doing.

Also feeling a bit moody. Just a bit off from level headedness. Got shit to do today but REALLY cannot be bothered. However I promised so when The Mike gets here I'll sit down with him and organize it.

I called the squash place but it seems now to have been given to a civilian so it's no longer running.

I can't find any other local squash places so I think it'll just have to be walking for today.

Blaaah di blah blah.

What a great week.

It had tears, no doubt.


I played squash a lot though and that was fantastic.

I haven't updated my journal for a while- more specifically food journal- because internet connection for the last week and a bit has been shite.


So here I am. Updating again. But I haven't eaten anything today surprisingly enough. Very surprisingly. I sort of felt hungry around lunch and that subsided and here I am.

Looking forward to perhaps heading here tomorrow depending on how the Mike feels. They don't have a site so will have to call tomorrow for prices.

Sleep time.
I'll be back tomorrow.
Goodnight.

Unsurprisingly I made myself ill.

I have to yet take my own advice.

Follow through- that's been a challenge so far. Except I have kept my word and updated this journal with daily food intake.

Today is day 3. I know what that means, however this feeling won't just jump away.

It's no secret I need to start treating myself right. I feel like I'm answering the whole world when writing these words. I'm wanting to tell my readers how I feel in the hopes that down the track when I'm mega successful I'll look back on this moment and know at what low point I pulled myself from.

So much expectation. That's one of the poisons filtering into my mind and stopping me. Expectation of myself. Always expecting, always trying to push myself forward, never simply living.

I recall lying in bed the other night and mulling over the fact I felt too far in the future. I'm always mentally living ahead in places I hope to be. Never being here now enjoying the moment and being grateful for everything I have.

My body is this wondrous machine. I put it through a lot and it keeps up with me at every step. It goes beyond my hopes. It is free of injury and I'm able to push it and know it has the strength. I can't take that for granted.

I've had a lot of conflict with my housemates recently and it's put me under a lot of pressure.

Because of this I've had to step outside my comfort zone and really be assertive and strong and powerful- and clear - with some people who I have felt like have not respected or honoured me.

In doing so I've talked to them as directly as I can. A lot of what I've said includes:

- Stop feeding me your bullshit and start taking action.
- Responsibility does not mean doing things all on your own - but handling the situation and asking for help if you need it.
- How can I trust your word if you keep going back on it?
- You say one thing, even signed a contract, and now are going back on it 'because you feel like it'.

I am a big believer in The only thing you see out there is your mind. That means that all the conflict that's happening out there with my housemates, and the anger, it is all reflecting what's actually happening and going on inside me.

I'm writing it in this journal because it all has to do with my health and dedication to follow through on gaining health. It also has to do with my business but health is the one that sticks out.

A lot to think about now...

Squash today! And walking.

Walking: 40 minutes. Pretty hilly- Glen Waverley.

Squash: Booked for 30 minutes but interrupted so really only 20-25.


What a good day! I started with eating a lot of sugar. Lunch was pretty good, and dinner is going to be delish. Lamb and potatoes and yummy things.

I like that my body wants to be active. Today my joints feel achy though so I'm glad tomorrow is my day off! Yesterday was my day off too, but I did 20 minutes of this "Crunch" thing on Foxtel which was pilates/abs. It killed me.

I think I'm going to invest in scales. Check myself once a week. It makes me nervous though, really nervous. However from what I've learned- and what I've been told from The Mike- those who burn off the fat check each week as to their progress on the scales.

My body feels better though. The back no longer aches. My body feels flexible. I take hills no problems. When I look in the mirror I feel like I'm looking at myself again.

I also bought a really good ice/heat pack pack today. I have no idea where my other one is, somewhere in a box. But this one has a small one, and a big one (or, rather, 'premium') and a towel specifically to have them wrapped in when you apply it. $15- good buy I reckon. I recall when I iced my shins before when I ran and it helped a lot. I didn't notice the difference immediately but when I stopped I felt the change- I used to ice my shins to stop the shin splints and they never hit home so something must have worked.

My body needs a lot of rest! I did a lot today, and it was great. The nice thing is that I know I could have done more if I wanted to. That's the life of a personal trainer right? Someone who is able to constantly be active. Who has clients all day, so they gotta be able to keep up with their clients.

Went to play squash this morning- had a great time!

I didn't particularly want to run around Glen Waverley so Mike and I went with Mike's best mate over to Monash Uni and hired a court. We all rotated so we wouldn't get so tired.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be either because I remember as a kid those tiny balls just wouldn't bounce but today I learned when you warm it up it bounces really well. Plus it makes me run!

Time went by really quickly, which was a great part of it. We just had a laugh and had fun. I'd really like to go back again this week. I also feel like swimming but I didn't bring my togs so that will have to wait.

I got my Better World Books today! Hazzah!









It totally made my day, just before we were going to head off to Mike's. I have a lot of reading to do.



Triggers:
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Sitting in front of the TV at Mike's.
Having a confrontation with a housemate.



There's a bit in the introduction of Just Making Them Sweat that really hits home about living what you love. He's so passionate about fitness it's infectious. It's like talking to Mia in coaching- I want to walk the talk.

As a personal trainer one has to. I sometimes push this thought away because of shame I feel. Sometimes? Often.

Exercise
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Run:
1.30/2 minutes for 30 minutes including a 5 minute warm up. 2.25k.

Good on us! kineticspirit and I went for a run/walk.

I did ALL the intervals for the W1 D3- and + 1! I did an extra 1.30 minute.

The beginning I felt a bit of knottiness and tenderness in my lower back. This is, unfortunately due to my bed being on the floor. I am still looking for a Queen bed base. after the first half it loosened up which was great. My calves were really tight too, and I worked through that. My calves are culprits though.

They get so tight and burn for the majority of the run. It doesn't happen all the time. When I am free of that tension running is bliss.

I don't wish to go onto Nat's pilates machine as yet because
1. I don't know how to work it.
2. I don't think you can actually do the 'side kick series' on it. You're either on your back or you're sitting up.

I did really well today.


Trigger
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I want to go and buy lollies for two reasons:

- Sitting in front of the TV.
- As a reward for going out and exercising.


Instead for now I'm going to self-satisfy myself by working, enjoying Battlestar Galactica and hanging out with my Michael.

Feeling ill. Was going to do some work tonight, and run tomorrow. Right now I feel ill cos I've overeaten.

Still trying to get that idea in my head- to eat healthy and to know how it affects me down the chain.

Can't speak for tomorrow. Actually I'll be fine tomorrow but still, pizza sits funny.

Run:

W2 D1 of C25k. + 3.30 mins, stopping at 35.11.

What does that mean?

Run: 1.30
Walk: 2

intervals. Then, when I got to minute 25 to do my warm down I felt really happy about my progress, and that I had come so far and was able to do it all and I didn't pike (not once!) so I did another 1.30 and the last 1 minute to take me home!

I am very happy with myself. I really didn't think I was going to be able to do every interval. I listened to the running podcast on iTunes for c25k and let it follow e through. It was challenging having no idea when I was going to stop but my body clock is actually surprisingly in tune with it.

I have a habit of looking at my watch at the 47th second, for some reason. Every time I go into a run with a watch and I do a minute or even 2 minutes it'll hit the 47th second. So I knew when I had the urge to look at my watch or my mind registered a desire to stop soon it was because I had been running that long.

Since I wasn't able to follow my watch I just had to keep going. My body works quite habitually when I run.

E.g.:

When I know I'm coming to the end of my minute/interval in running my legs will suddenly feel like they're struggling and my breathing will be the same. However I really feel that's a pavlov reaction. Today for the second half of my intervals I felt GREAT. I really did. And I know the best times I've ever run are when I don't keep time and just go for it.


Housemates
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There is a new housemate in the house. When I was figuring out what to eat after my run I was frustrated that I don't have any butter left (I've been doing the avocado thing). He said,
"You don't need butter!" I said,
"You can't eat avocado and jam."
"Jam? No jam!"
"Why not jam?"
"It's full of sugar!"

I had to just smile it off. I actually replied,
"It's high glycemic. Good for eating now."

He doesn't know I have my Cert 3, which is sort of something that I admit I like keeping to myself and simply just knowing things about foods, nutrition, the way my body works when I run. To provide knowledge without giving the extra ego boost of,
"Oh you know I'm a gym instructor..." I just like knowing things.

I also like achieving things. I feel great.

Got a good recommendation as to where I should get some shirts printed- however don't know if they're overseas or in Australia so postage may be challenging. Would like to buy from close to home so we'll see how we go, but thanks yzztik! That looks like a really good site.

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that my Cert 4 would take place at a new, more elite school building. And my teacher said to me (and everyone else doing Cert 4) that
now that I've passed Cert 3 I had better be on my game. When I'm doing Cert 4 I have to be as physically fit as I can possibly be. If I wasn't I would not cut it.

This is all internal stuff coming up, about where I expect myself to be to complete Cert 4. It's a little scary but on the upside I woke up absolutely churning to go for a run. To bounce out of bed so when I opened my eyes at 9.30 I didn't want to just roll back over and go to sleep.

So now the sun has come out and I expect it's a bit windy and still a bit chilly and maybe it'll rain. Either way I'm anticipating it to feel pretty good...