Running.

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Scarlett


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Update from yesterday
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Gym: 25 minutes of cardio/strength training, after my Zumba.


Today
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Holycrap.

Squash: 45 minutes.

That was not an easy 45 minutes. It was fucked up. I played against someone in my running community, so not with my friend's who are as lazy as I am. So it was some serious ass squash playing.


Today hit 35C, so I went to school for the first time and actually had someone drop me at Malvern cos I thought it would be faster but BULLSHIT. I sat there in the hot sun from 3pm-4.30pm. When a train went past it was so packed because of the delays that no one at the station could get on.

So here I was thinking I'll get home no worries, chill out, cool down and then have something to eat before squash. NOPE. Not going to happen. Couldn't even get through half a bowl of cereal before Frankie turned up and I had to put it aside and escape.

I'm surprised I could push my body so much in such a week. I can feel myself aching and I need to stretch. But this means I don't have to exercise tomorrow. Will have to organize something when I'm in Sydney on Thursday.

I was a bit embarrassed at Squash though. I knew he'd be much more fit than I. Every ten minutes or so I had to take a breather and although we'd booked an hour I could only manage the 45 minutes.


Coming home I felt absolutely disgusting. I've been sitting in my chair, waiting for myself to cool off so I can peel off my clothes and shower. A shower will be so lovely right now. After the Biggest Loser.


So... if the scales aren't registering a loss this week, I'm not going to be impressed. I'll weigh myself first thing when I get up (which will be, like, 3.30am) on Thurs morning to go to the airport. I really like being active every day. But I have to let my body rest.

Zumba- 40 minutes.

At my last entry I didn't feel like exercising, and didn't want to deal with the anxiety that came along with it.

But about half an hour later my body kicked in, and I was ready to be active. I sat here pondering for a long time, but the heat didn't really bother me. So I did Zumba. And I didn't put my all into it but I got to 40 minutes which was good.

I'm thinking I should approach this in a kinetic sort of way. I have a lot of emotions running through me at the moment, so instead of letting them sit I'll use them as energy.

I've always held the belief that feeling happy or sad, depressed or elated, it's all energy. And thoughts and intention go toward that to transform it or hold it as it is. So all the energy that I feel about this week, it's going into exercise.

Mike is still coming over, should be here soon, and we're going to the gym.

That's a lot of exercise. But my body wants it. It feels like... like the more I'm active the more energy I have, as opposed to the more active I am the less I have. It's like it's a self generating process.


Tomorrow I'm playing squash with someone from the CoolRunning forums. If I don't return it's because he's kidnapped and murdered me. All jokes aside, seriously I'm very cautious about meeting people off the next- even though I've met my fair share. So if I don't come back it's this guy: Frankie [he loves the 80s apparently].

Mike will be here soon. I have school tomorrow for the first time, argh.

My aunt passed away yesterday. It wasn't a surprise, she had brain tumors but it is definitely heartbreaking.

I'm not here to talk about her, though.

Last time a close family member passed away- my nanna- I wanted so badly to spend my grieving process eating sugar. I couldn't, most of the time, because I was around mum and my sister, who are both alike and don't do that sort of thing. A lot of guilt/shame was involved for me. Finally I gave in, bawled my eyes out to my mum telling her I didn't feel like I could grieve properly because I was not being me- and I wasn't comfortable at all.

So that was last time. This time I'm doing it for myself, but I'm not sure how it feels. I want to eat sugar, a lot of sugar. I want to scoff my face. Now I have to sit and sort of - not so much deal with it but feel empty a bit.


And it's really hot today so I don't think I'm going to go out for a run, though I might change my mind. It's currently 30, supposed to hit 34 today. But if I don't exercise today I have to tomorrow, and tomorrow is my first day of school so I don't want it to be on my mind.

So I'm in a bit of conflict at the moment. Hopefully Mike can pick me up so we can go to the gym. Nice air conditioned gym.


I got too much on my mind. Hopefully exercise will help. Funnily enough in the back of my mind, knowing I don't have to worry about eating sugar means that I don't have to stress about putting on weight. Like it's something I don't worry about. Definitely a benefit, even if I do have to deal with cravings.

Exercise: 40 minutes of workout- TV based.

Ok so this isn't something I expected... but perhaps should have?

On Mike's Foxtel you can record programs so we found some workouts- 20 minutes- for him to tape so I can do them whenever I want to.

This morning I did two of them, one after the other. Both focused on abs but the first was pretty cardio based. The second incorporated weights.

I did them, was able to mostly (mostly) keep up and I thought to myself This seems almost easy. When I did keep up I was able to without being breathless. My endurance- that's what I'm trying to say. My endurance kept up.

So was the workout actually fairly easy? Or has my aerobic capacity picked up? I actually think it's the latter, since I remember flicking through the workout originally and going, wow, that's a lot of work. And when I was working out I was sweating so bad it was dripping off my nose, that sort of workout. But at no stage did I feel my lungs giving out or anything like that. It's a good, good feeling.

One thing that has been reoccurring the last few days is hunger.

Even after a main meal 20 minutes later I'm starving. I'm not talking about cravings but serious hunger. Means I'm eating a lot, for the moment anyway. Things will probably shift, or maybe it's just cos I'm burning up a lot of energy. No idea.

Exercise: 45 minutes of different aerobic stuff.

I downloaded this awful workout thing. It goes for an hour, but it's ridiculous. Some small business gym has decided to do a home made version of a workout cardio/kickboxing. The trainer loses track of what she's doing, she gets exhausted and can't talk, and the three participants behind her are all severely out of time (and all of them stop doing punches/kicks accurately).

So we went to Jordan's workout.



Tonight's workouts were all done with much laughter. We downloaded Jordan's workout ages ago just as a laugh. She loves to make her boobs bounce and flash her panties at every point, but can't keep to the punches either.

After I did 10 minutes of that I decided to go onto Zumba, and did some serious dancing for the express workout (which goes for 20 minutes).

So we started at midnight and Mike did half and I'm glad I did it because I got up at 1pm today. We're getting to bed so late these days that when we wake up half the day is gone. But I did it anyway, worked up a sweat, got in some good aches.

Weigh-in (officially): 161.4kg.

Friday is my official weigh in day. I'm not celebrating because I know it will fluctuate. Last time I did this sort of thing, when I did my 21 days, I lost 3 kg in the first week and then put it back on somehow and by the 21 days I hadn't lost a thing.

Although at that time I hadn't exercised either.

Weigh in day: 162.2kg

Exercise: Squash- Round robin.

Mike, Kurt and I went in, and I think I was on the court for about 25 of the 60 minutes at least. I played hard today. It was a messy game because we haven't played in so long but after a while I got into the swing of things.

Also, another really good thing, I wasn't totally puffed. My oxygen intake was sustaining the whole way through.

Gym: 2k (I think) on treadmill, 20 minutes.
5 minutes cool down on bike
3 minute/500m row on rower
6x2 squats with 7.5kg dumbells
seated row 12 reps
tricep pushdown 12 reps
hammerstrength machine (triceps/back muscles/core) 2 sets x 12 reps

I jumped from thing to thing after my treadmill run. But still it was good, and the strength training felt powerful. Haven't done that in a long time.



I had a scoop of ice cream tonight. I'm using everything within me to battle away my guilt. I looked down at the scoop when Mike handed me the bowel and wasn't sure what to do. I had strawberries and blueberries, and one scoop of weight watchers ice cream.

I sms'ed Mykie and told him. In the sms I said I'm okay with it, but there is something very deep inside me which is disappointed because it's junk food. And I promised I would do 21 days without junk food. I keep thinking
Should I start again?


I really want to keep my goal. And I looked down at the scoop of ice cream and I knew that it's only as important as I make it. But this is important to me, this promise I made. At least I told him- that's half of the promise. Should I start again, or am I able to let this go?


*sigh* Make a decision Scarlett. Make it right now. Don't finish this entry on a question. Don't go to bed pondering.


I promised 21 days without junk food. This has to stick, I have to do this, to be able to trust my word and keep to it. I know I can do this. That's the important thing. I know I CAN do this.

Over one scoop of ice cream? A promise is a promise...

If I start again today then 21 days will go until the 24th. It's just an extra couple of days. If something is put in front of me I want to be able to say no to it. This is the result. This is how much it means to me.


My brother just sms'ed me back, thanking me for telling him and asking me if I consider it junk food. I do. Mike said ice cream and yoghurt are practically the same thing. I don't believe that, not in the slightest. If I had yoghurt with it then I'd be fine. But I didn't. I accepted the ice cream.

Wow I'm really going around in circles here. Unnecessary, excuse ridden, trying to find my way out of guilt and fear circles.

If I don't restart= guilt.
If I do restart= more days of no junk food. Gotta continue to work on this thing.

But... lets really consider what this means. I am being neurotic yes. And for the moment I allow myself to be because in the first stages of coming out of an addiction and into a completely new way of living I have to get involved in it. I am going to be paranoid. I'm going to deliberate over every small detail. I'm going to be a bit obsessed.

This is how I boiled it down- A packet of lollies which will make me feel temporarily good about myself, will give me a momentary high before crashing, will add to my further negative impression of myself. Do I want that, or would I prefer a lifetime of happiness with my body and freedom to do what I want?

Goddamn it I'm going to go and have a bit of a cry now. If I were looking at myself and talking to myself I'd say, "wtf Scarlett? Why are you over reacting? You're way over thinking about this. Let it go."

But I'm ok with this. I'm going to let myself just carry out how it is.

I had my job interview this morning at Curves. I would really like to get it, and I think the woman, Liz, really liked me. But she was so hyped up I might have only been reading her mask.

Either way I felt I gave good, positive responses and there's no reason why she shouldn't hire me but of course I know one reason why she might not anyway. I expect it's the same reason I got passed over the last two or three interviews at fitness places, even though I'm a perfect candidate. My appearance.

I almost completely depressed myself at the train station and turned around and came home, wondering why anyone would actually want to hire someone who looks like me to be in a fitness team. But no matter how many thoughts of that kind come to me I still know I'm a good candidate. I can connect with people. I can puncture their illusions about themselves and show them how life can be.

But first, to start with me.

Welcome to the Pavlov's dogs effect.

We are in the 9th year of The Biggest Loser (in the USA). In Australia we're on the 5th season. Each year, bigger contestants, higher weight loss goals per week.


Yesterday showed the first week and tonight was the first eviction, and then another weigh in at the end of the episode.


...now was it just me or was the music that played when it showed one of the Contestants had lost 5.3kg geared toward a response of "we should all be disappointed in her." When it then panned to the reactions of the other contestants the music lightened, and suddenly I, as a viewer, exhaled with relief. They all appear to be pleased with her results, as am I. And yet I felt like the show was judging me, saying THIS is what you need to feel. Cease your pride and awe!

There are so many things I hate about this show now. The mechanical, scripted talk of both the hosts and contestants when they're sat down and asked to go through their experiences.
"I couldn't believe my eyes. When he pulled the boat up to the shore, I knew that I was done for."
"When she got on the scales, I was astounded. This is the biggest thing she's ever done. This is the most important weigh in OF HER LIFE."

*gag*

I get that last week they lost 15kg. 15kg in a week is both awe inspiring and terrifying. It can't be healthy for the body to suddenly drop that weight, to work that hard.

But now...now Channel 10 has conditioned the viewer to feel disappointed in the contestant if they aren't pulling up amazing results like 6-8 or 10kg per week. It seems anything lower than a 7 shows the other contestants clapping and nodding to each other in approval. But that's the threshold- over that line and the contestants and even the host has the look of surprise, gaping awe, jaw dropping expression that you'll undoubtedly see every week. It can't be the Biggest Loser without it.


There was a contestant on there that started at 179kg [Caitlin]. Within the week she matched my weight and is now less than me- and we've only seen two episodes. Our minds are distorted by the time factor too. It would have to be, wouldn't it? I was gunning for her, and now in two days she's she's lost a small child somewhere.

At some point in time the Biggest Loser was written not only for the reality TV addicts- and when it came out boy I was on it- but to promote the idea that you can be healthy and lose weight, no matter your age or gender or lifestyle. They want Australians to start changing and adjusting our lives so we can live happy, and healthy. Wonderful.

But now it's just the ratings, and for shock effect. BB, Survivor, Hell's Kitchen- it's all shock effect. Again, the jaw drop. Without it these shows would be useless.

So, guys at Channel 10, can you hire me please so that this shit can get a bit more real?

I have decided on my 10km run reward- a puppy.

If I'm getting to 10km's, whether regularly or occasionally, it means that I'm running regularly and I think having a dog will be fun, I've always wanted one, and having one at that stage will not only be good for me but means I can take care of the dog.

My 5km reward is still a Garmin Forerunner 305. And I've set out my rewards for my percentages, and I'm really proud. Even though they have to do with money I have to remind myself that these percentages will tick over over a long time span. So getting an expensive reward won't come immediately. It might be a year and a half or something.

Exercise today: Moving shit in the garage.

I'm making space so that we have an official gym area, which will be great (except on hot days). I also have access to my things again, hazzah!

I really get up a sweat moving all those boxes. They're back out in the open again, but Natalie, my housemate seems to like it that things are moving, even if they do just clutter up another space.

I think I might need to get a fan in there, because I like having air circulating. I'll also need a power board since I'll have my iPod on the dock as normal, and my headphones. I'll be able to do some weights after my workout, or pilates, or something because we're putting down some carpet underneath everything.

I think I have a little cough coming on. It should soon pass, but it's definitely a tickle in my throat.


Job Interview
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I have the job interview at Curves tomorrow. I'm mega nervous. But I'll go anyway because I do my best to follow through on things. That seems to be something that has been hanging over me in the past year. Karma. The idea that I must follow through because I'd want them to follow through for me.


Deep breath, Scarlett. I feel myself shutting down a bit, and I don't know why. Something I've talked about here has got things shifting. Or maybe it's something I haven't talked about.

Tomorrow is the first day of my marathon month with Mike.

It starts with Zumba, or so my calendar says. Should be interesting.

I am crying a little bit. And for the first time in a very long time, it's because I'm happy. And grateful. They are actually tears of gratitude.


My relationship with my brother has gone from little sister- big brother, to far away siblings, and suddenly in a turn of events he's the extra pair of legs I'm standing on.

I don't ever recall in my whole life my family coming to support me in such a manner. It's like they will do whatever they need to, whatever I need to, to get this ball rolling permanently.

Last night Mike and I had ice cream, because we were going to have it tonight instead but he isn't here.

I let my brother know because I promised him and he asked if I was going to restart my 21 days. I froze up a little bit when he said he was going to call me after dinner. I didn't want to fess up, I didn't want to talk about it. But when he called me he was so understanding. He said there was no judgment from him, and he was calling because he was going to be a reflection of me. So he asked me what I thought of eating the ice cream, how I felt, what it meant to me.

I told him that when we ate it I felt really full after. That this morning when Mike left I asked him to take the ice cream with him. What he did with it, throw it out or eat it I didn't care, just take it. Right now I'm not craving sugar. I do feel hungry still after dinner so I'll go have some bread or something. But I'm not craving.



Back to my point. When I hung up after talking to Mykie I burst into tears. His wife has apparently offered to help educate me on food and the effects it has on the body. They have a very healthy lifestyle, and know when to eat what and how and why. It's so completely generous of her to offer. I'd go over there and talk with her while having dinner or something like that.

It's seems anywhere I turn someone is saying "here, I'll help with this." I can't express the feeling I have when I think of that. The gratitude, the deep deep appreciation of those around me. And because of this I feel like I have no excuse anymore. I have every avenue open to me, to finally release myself of my weight, of this burden. I'm just at a total loss. I can't believe Mykie, my brother. I can't believe what he's doing for me, how he's suddenly stretching out to me and giving me his support.

I have Mike, who is amazing beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. But this is coming out from the left field where I never expected it. Creating binds and being told by Mykie how he's proud of me. I feel like a great gust of fresh air blows through me when he says that. It's so foreign, so new, maybe something I've been craving for a long time without really admitting it.


I said to Mike, that talking to Mykie is like drinking caffeine. Afterward I'm always in a buzz. It's just the effect he has on people. I feel like I can be shot out of a cannon at high speed. All so very new to me, but thankyou Universe for blessing me with such an amazing family.

It was going to be tonight Mike and I shared some ice cream and crushed biscuits. But he's not going to be here tonight so we had it last night. I'm glad I have him around because I'd forgotten that I'd told my brother, but I did! Just like I promised. I'm grateful for that.

After having the bowl of ice cream I was done. I couldn't really eat any more biscuits. It made me feel ill. Strange that.

Walk: 20 minutes, first 10 up a huge hill in Glen Waverley.

I have no idea how many calories I burned. It must be at least 200. Without w arm up the first 10 minutes almost killed me because it was just up, up, up.

It's 30+ degrees today. I got up out of bed, Mike asked what we wanted to do re: exercise. We were going to pass on squash because an hour of that was too much. I didn't want to walk, but I said I would if we went straight away before our day began. He didn't want to go, he wanted to go later when he thought it might cool down. But I am propelled by the idea that when I come home I can say to myself,
"Awesome, that's now over and done with,I don't have to think about it again." and go and enjoy the rest of my day.

So I said I'd go anyway, and I felt a bit bad because I know we're a team. But sometimes I think it's worth me going now and knowing I'll go, then waiting until later when I might just want to go have a nap, or do nothing, and there's no guarantee. Mike is awesome for sticking with me and doing the route.

Today was supposed to be my rest day, so my newest workout calendar tells me, but I'm happy to swap today for tomorrow.


I also have an interview at Curves in Caulfield on Tuesday. I'm a little bit shitting myself, but I'm hoping that my personality hits the mark and they'll take me on. I recall the last time I went for an interview I rocked their socks off. They didn't take me, and probably because of my appearance, but either way I know I'm the perfect candidate. I'd make a great circuit trainer, I know it. I just hope they'll give me a chance to show it too.

But after all that, if and when I get the job, that means for my own benefit and sake I have to really look after myself every day. I can't go to work at a job that requires me to feel my best so that I can help them feel their best, if I'm struggling.


Things are changing rapidly. Like my odour. I seriously need to shower.

Gym: 45 minute run/walk on the treadmill, 3.5k, and mapmyrun.com is telling me I only did 300 cals but I swear I did more. I worked bloody hard and had an awesome run. The first in ages.





I've had an eventful week. My family is doing an intervention, of sorts. Not the kind where I walk into a room and go "hi guys, why are you all standing around waiting for me? My birthday was last week."

My mum called my brother Mykel at the beginning of this year and asked him his advice as to what they could do to help me get on track with my health. This intervention is coming in pieces. I had dinner with Mykie last night and we spent an hour and a half talking about me. I told him about how I crashed in August last year and how I've been very, very slowly putting the pieces back together since. I only just now feel like I'm some sort of resemblance to the person I was.

He said that he doesn't want me to just be that sort of resemblance but he wants to propel me in that direction as hard and fast as I can go. This is odd to hear from my brother, since for years we have had a relationship that is only based upon his work and family, if he didn't have either of those then we wouldn't ever see each other. So now he's reaching out, and so is my mum, and they want to do everything they can to get me on track with losing this weight.

There is something deeply humiliating to face the fact that at Christmas your family looked upon you and thought she looks so unhealthy, look at all the weight she's put on to the point they need to intervene to get me on track.

And on the other hand it's incredibly generous of them to commit their energy into me. My mum is totally supportive of backing me financially or mentally or otherwise. She wants me to see a therapist, and to get whatever is inside me outside of me so I can let go of this weight. My family, me included, is of the deep belief that our bodies reflect our souls and so it is a true reflection of what's going on inside. I started putting on this weight when I was 6, which was when my parents separated. I've always known this in the back of my mind, but bringing it up is another thing all together. The amount of times I've dug in to get it all out, I can't count, but here I am and here is the weight and we're still together.

I know I'm in an extremely fortunate situation, one I'm exceedingly grateful for, but one that also brings up many many emotions. Shame, humiliation, fear, hate. I HATE thinking that my family look upon me and have those thoughts. And I know they're true, because I look at the photographs of myself or I just have to look at myself in the mirror and I see the ill in my face. How out of control I have become with everything, because I didn't think I was strong enough to change. I really wondered how I could have become this amazing person who was active, and exercised, and loved herself. I wondered who the hell she was and how do I get her back?

I don't have an answer. I'm just chipping away at different things in my life to get as close as I can. I'm doing zumba at the moment and as you can see today I had my first run in ages- I ran 2 minutes non stop and I couldn't believe it. I was flying. My body is so totally capable. And still I have feared it's dissent into disability since mid last year.


Things are changing rapidly. For as long as I can remember anyone talking to me about my food, and my diet, I shut down. Immediately. I shut down so fast it's like a steel door closing in, unable to be reopened until I'm alone and can handle it. So to a degree I know my family have been hesitant in approaching me because the moment someone brings it up I close off. End of story. I don't want to hear it.

And I've slowly, extremely slowly, been unhinging that response with Life Coaching. But talking to Mykie last night made me sit back and say,
"I'm going to handle it." Anyone who talks to me about it, I'm going to handle it. I'm okay to talk about it. And it scares the baajeebers out of me but I'm handling it. I'm not going to lock down anymore, I'm not going to close off. I am here, and I have emotions and they're going to come screaming up and I'm going to handle them, and survive within them and outside of them.


I promised my brother I'd go 21 days without junkfood.

This initially sounds like a goal I set because it's something my brother, and mother, would have wanted. Giving them hope when inside I really don't know if I want to do it or can do it. But I promised, and since Mykie is reaching out to me my promise means so much more now. Like it really, really means something. It's close to my heart, because I made it to him and maybe it matters to him.


Today is day 1 and I've done it, no worries. I talked to mum, and got her 'mummery' about it all (you know, when you have to hear her out about it all, and separate yourself still because there's a whole lot of guilt/humiliation/feeling like a 5 year old attached to it). But she wants to help, and financially I could use the help because without a job I'm totally skint, so my money goes on bills and that's it and if I get food at home I'm bloody lucky.

So, with the very fortunate events, and loving and giving family, it looks like my life is going to take a dramatic turn whether my mental or emotional health is ready for it.


I just want the old shit within myself to move, and emerge, so I can let it go and start living to the best I can. Having said that I know I'm just making excuses, since I know I can live right now. And I am.

You never know, this might be the first time in my whole life I combine the eating well+exercising thing. Who knows what might come of it.

Zumba- 10 minutes.
ChaLEAN- 10 minutes